Bedbugs
by TentativelyKate
Summary: yes, there are bedbugs in New York. yes, it is driving everyone crazy. so how would the SVU react? I used my overactive imagination [which normally results in chaos as it is] and found out.


_**disclaimer: bugger Dick Wolf. save the coffee.**_

_**ach, I love not making sense!**_

…

"So, anyone run into any bedbugs lately?"

Olivia wrinkled her nose at the question posed by the man sitting at the desk to her left. "John, do you try not to make sense, or is it just natural with you?"

Munch rolled his eyes. "Really people, I'm serious. Have you been reading the papers? Watching the news? There are bedbugs all over the city. There are enough of them that if they got their tiny insectoid heads together, they could organize and completely take over the human population of Manhattan Island."

"Well, _that's_ comforting." Olivia turned back to her paperwork, frowning. "But if I see a bedbug, I promise not to lend it my copy of the Communist Manifesto."

Fin raised an eyebrow. "You have a copy of the Communist Manifesto?"

Olivia rolled her eyes. "I was being sarcastic, Fin. _Very_ sarcastic."

"I have a copy of that." Elliot said quietly, taking a sip of his coffee.

Olivia's eyes widened. "You do _not_."

Elliot shrugged. "College." he said simply.

"You say it like Communism is right up there with magic mushrooms and free love and all the other crap people experiment with in their twenties."

Elliot continued to stare at his paperwork. "Well,_ I_ had a copy of the Communist Manifesto."

She raised an eyebrow. "And _why_ would you have that?"

"I was curious. If we're going to have a Cold War and go all crazy trying to get rid of the Iron Curtain, it's worth taking a look at whatever it is we're so afraid of, right?"

Munch stared curiously at his fellow detective. "Why weren't you deported?"

Elliot blinked. "What?"

"Why didn't the government find out and deport you to Cuba or something?"

"Probably because Cuba was a Communist power, Munch." Elliot shook his head. "Were you even awake during the sixties? Besides, why would they deport me? Is it illegal to own a book?"

"That's the root of all evil, man." Fin said, scowling. "Once people start thinking about working together, then you get all this crazy shit about justice and equality. And that's not good."

Olivia raised her eyes to stare sideways at Fin. "Isn't equality and justice what our country is all about anyway?"

"In theory, yes." Munch began. "But if you see what our government has become today-"

"No, NO." Elliot held up a hand. "That is IT. We are NOT going to start talking politics. I refuse to talk about politics with you three. I have paperwork and I want to get it done before my grandchildren are born."

Munch rolled his eyes. "I wasn't going to talk about politics. I was going to talk about Cuba."

Olivia shrugged. "What's to talk about? Fidel Castro, Bay of Pigs. And James Bond. That's all there is to Cuba."

Elliot raised an eyebrow. "James Bond?"

"What? The one in Havana?" She frowned at Elliot's puzzled look. "You haven't seen every James Bond movie there is?"

"No, not really."

She gasped. "But you're a _guy!"_

"Well, last I checked…"

"Guys are supposed to do that. They're supposed to watch every James Bond movie there is, and memorize dialogue from Star Trek and beer commercials, and try to land girls with pick-up lines that involve alcoholic drinks and minerals."

Elliot's jaw hung open. "Where did you learn about guys?"

Olivia smiled mysteriously. "James Bond, baby."

"James Bond memorized lines from Star Trek?"

"Remind me to lend you the DVDs sometime…"

"Cubans killed JFK." Munch interrupted.

"Quick! Fin! Knock him out with the lamp!" Olivia made a swinging motion with her fists.

Fin frowned. "Which lamp?"

"Any lamp! Just do it before-"

Munch ignored them. "JFK was making all sorts of swipes at the Communists. But Fidel Castro had definitely had enough. Some people even say he and Jackie were having an affair on his diplomatic trips to the States."

Olivia groaned. "Too late."

Elliot glared at her. "What did I say about the politics and the paperwork?"

She gasped. "Don't look at me! I mentioned James Bond, and when James Bond is having a successful mission, he never has ANYTHING to do with politics or paperwork."

"Well, whatever you said obviously encouraged the controversial subject matter to come into play."

"And you think I did that on purpose? You fiendish co-worker of mine!" She hit him in the shoulder with her file. "I am_ not_ buying your lunch tomorrow!"

"What would happen if Communism took over in the US?" Fin asked, his eyes widening.

"We could all wear grey suits and live in controlled environments.!" Olivia grinned at him. "Wouldn't my eyes stand out so much better with a bright red star stamped on my forehead?"

Elliot rolled his eyes. "I'm guessing you learned about Communism from James Bond, too?"

"Along with computers, calligraphy, and making wild love in latex suits."

"Please tell me that last one was a joke."

"Oh, you wish…"

Fin swallowed hard. "Would we all be paid equally?"

"You wouldn't be considered a minority anymore." Munch pointed out. "Because you would have to be treated like everyone else."

Olivia frowned. "So we'd all be minorities?"

"Or just the majority." Elliot shook his head. "This makes no sense."

"I thought you were a minority, too." Fin said, pointing at Munch.

"Jews are not a minority. There's way too many of us in Brooklyn alone!"

"Oh." Fin bit his lip. "So I'd still be minority."

"Well, if we're both minorities, maybe two minorities can make a majority." Munch suggested. "Our partnership could technically be a majority partnership, even though we're minorities."

"That's like saying two wrongs can make a right." Elliot grinned. "And you two are definitely _wrong_ enough…"

Olivia frowned. "Are blacks still considered a minority?"

Elliot shrugged. "I thought everyone who wasn't white was a minority."

Olivia rolled her eyes. "Right, racist boy."

Elliot groaned. "I wasn't being racist! I was stating a common known fact! Fin, am I a racist?"

Fin shrugged. "You don't share your coffee with me."

Olivia gave Fin a sly smile. "It's okay- he doesn't share it with ANYONE."

Elliot waved his coffee in the air. "That doesn't make me a racist!"

Olivia smiled smugly. "No, it makes you a coffee whore. But we knew that, honey."

Elliot glared at her, nearly bending the pen poised above his file. "I am _not_ a coffee whore."

"And a cream and sugar whore." She pointed her pen accusingly at his face. "He _never _shares the cream and sugar. He uses it all up and then doesn't offer to go get some more."

"This is ridiculous-"

Munch gasped. "Elliot, I had no idea. You're a _criminal_!"

"You're sick, man." Fin shook his head, glaring at the coffee in Elliot's hands.

"What? I like my coffee with all the trimmings and _sometimes_ I overdo it a little!" Elliot threw up his hands. "That doesn't make me a whore-of-many-titles!"

Olivia grinned. "But you admit you're at least a coffee whore?"

Elliot groaned, waving his coffee threateningly at her. "Can I shut you all up?"

Olivia nodded. "You can admit to it!"

"Alright, alright…"

"Well? Do you admit to being a coffee whore?"

"Only a little…"

Olivia let out a triumphant squeal. "I knew it!"

"Do you think the bedbugs are in the plumbing?"

Fin rolled his eyes. "Munch, do you honestly think bedbugs can swim?"

Munch nodded. "This reminds me of the love fleas of 1989."

Elliot's eyes widened. "Did you just say 'love fleas'? As in parasites involved in romanctic relationships?"

Olivia gave her partner a sly smile. "No dear, he was just talking about the children's movie of a similar name, set among the colorful cartoon parasites trying to save their humble village on the outskirts of Timmy's thigh."

Elliot rolled his eyes at the sarcasm. "You're very quick on your feet, you know that?"

She shrugged. "Well aware, dear. Well aware."

Munch shuddered. "The love fleas were bad. You could use protection, and the little buggers would still get you. People were having intercourse-"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa." Elliot held up a hand. "Did Munch just say 'intercourse'?"

"As opposed to the 'tapping of asses', the 'shaking of trees', and 'tasting of peaches'?" Olivia gasped. "That's as probably accurate as Cragen jumping out in a geisha outfit."

Elliot shrugged. "I guess you can call captain 'Mama-san'."

"That'll garner some interesting reactions."

"Hey, this is _not_ a joke." Munch said, frowning sternly. "Do you want the love fleas to get you?"

Olivia rolled her eyes at him. "I'm sorry, was that a hypothetical question? Or am I supposed to have an honest answer to a question concerning imaginary insects that are passed through my pubic hair?"

Elliot gave Munch a strange look. "Are you sure you didn't just have herpes, and pretend to see bugs to explain the boils and sores and everything?"

Fin grinned. "Ah, genital herpes. The gift that keeps on giving."

Munch glared at his partner. "How dare you suggest I lie? Did you ever wake up to find these oozing pustules all over your-"

Fin covered his partner's mouth with a quick hand. "Okay John, let's not keep going with anatomical references, alright?"

"I'm just saying," Munch said, spitting on Fin's hand and causing his partner to quickly retract his fingers from the close vicinity of his mouth. "These bedbugs are bad news. Soon there will be infestations all over the country."

"Right after the killer bees and the grizzly bears make their disarmament pact and give the bedbugs exclusive people-terrorizing rights, am I correct?" Olivia said, giving Munch a sarcastic smile.

Munch shook his head at them. "You think it's funny, but mark me- you will all be feeling the wrath of the bedbugs sooner or later."

Olivia leaned in close to her partner's ear. "Are bedbugs less likely to attack if two people are _sharing_ the bed?"

"Hey!" Munch scowled at them. "No whispering in front of us!"

"It's alright." Fin shook his head. "We probably don't want to know what they have to say anyway …"

Munch gave his partner a discerning glance. "Maybe _you_ don't want to pry into our co-workers' sex lives, but I most certainlydo!"

Fin shrugged. "I have virgin ears."

Munch rolled his eyes. "Yeah, and my uncle's a molesting monkey."

"Your uncle's a what?" Elliot raised an eyebrow, giving his partner a knowing smile across the desk. She grinned back, winking.

"Damn it Fin, I missed the crucial part of their conversation." Munch whacked his partner over the head with a file.

"Doubt my innocence _again_ then, why don't you?" Fin scowled. "You and your goddamn bedbugs…"

"Hey!" Elliot growled at his arguing co-workers. "What did I say about my paperwork? Enough about the damn bedbugs!"

Cragen suddenly emerged from his office, a newspaper in hand. "Hey guys, did you hear about the bedbugs?"

They all let out a simultaneous groan.


End file.
